Back To Why?

It has been a while since I last wrote my journal.

I remembered starting this journal to share my experience and encourage others through my struggles. For the past 8 months, I have been sharing until I lost my purpose. This period I went MIA as I focused on my well-being; plus, it was the lunar new year season. Simultaneously, I lost interest in most of my favourite activities, including journaling.

The good news is I have recently gotten a job offer in a church and after some consideration, I accepted the role. It is a heavy role as I will be wearing many hats as the only communications person. I will not deny that this is most likely an open door from God, yet my heart is heavy. “Why?“, I asked myself and a deeper wound surfaced:

My Past traumas isn’t completely healed.

The “Why?” In Living

“Why do I live?“
“Why do I exist?“

Do I exist to pay my bills, have fun and die? And if that is the case, my existence serves no purpose. I shall not approach from the Christianity standpoint because it is gonna be textbook answers. Instead, I approach from a human being viewpoint which is undeniably one of the creations from God.

When I exist to help others, they benefit from my existence. When I exist to love people, they benefit positively in their mental well-being. The “Why?” determines the next course of action and outcome.

Why My Traumas Aren’t Gone

Trauma causes emotional and mental wounds. It can shape a person’s perspective in the areas where they are hurt in; be it relationship, school, workplace, social etc. It may even shape their core values and character.

While I am shaped by my past wounds, I am thankful it is not for the worse. Since a child, I am fearful of authorities due to the fact I met authorities that exert their power over me. One example would be method of emotional blackmail.

Emotional blackmail may sound something like “I suggest you do this way or if it goes wrong, you will be responsible for it.“. Either way, I am responsible. *Laughing Out Loud!*

As a kid it would be along the line “If you fail your exams, you are useless and you will sweep the roads.” or “Without a degree, you will be a low-wage worker and get nowhere in life“. As I grew into an adult, reality tells me otherwise. Low-wage roles are determined by people, we are classified by our socioeconomic status by the top level of mankind. There are also cases where people who little education are bosses of companies.

Yes, I went off topic alittle to help understand that some people are caged or traumatized by certain people of power. Those who overcome traumas can exist to come alongside those affected by such traumas, so they can move on in life and better themselves in a positive way.

Why God Can Be Hard

Traumatized individuals are belittled and labeled as “people without God“. For Christians, they are labeled as “fallen or backslide” by some. Yet, the triumphant overcomers are put through trauma by God like forging a sword in the furnace.

The process can be tiring and long but eventually, the sword is ready for battle. I observed the biblical figures like Moses, Paul, Job and even Jonah did not have an easy journey; neither did the 12 disciples of Jesus.

Trauma has increased my empathy and understanding towards people. I am no Jesus and using His benchmark, I definitely will fail. Truth is, His teachings is not to be used as a competitive benchmark. Instead, a living guide that I can look to every time I fall, so I can pick myself up again and again.

Not sure what the future holds for me, I am hoping and praying to be able to have abundance of finances to start my own business (f&b, selling items) and travel with my significant other.

Wounds lead to learning curves and growth in character and eventually benefiting those who are wounded. Never underestimate or ignore your traumas. Learn to embrace it and understand it.